So last night at the Ash Wednesday Service, no I am not Catholic or any other predominant religion that usually observes the Lent Season, but that does not stop our church. Our pastor has instituted a "taking back" of the season from the world, to take the focus from Easter bunny, chocolate and eggs to the real focus, Jesus' sacrifice to make each and everyone of us a child of his to spend an eternity with Him.
All that to say....the Ash Wednesday service last night was powerfull. I made it all the way through the service with out crying until.... we started singing "It Is Well"... with Matt's current setback with his disability, and the fact that we owe the state and IRS this year for taxes. To be totally honest these two things alone are not "well with my soul", I realized this last night as the first words of that song were sung. I cried, I wanted to keep crying, I still want to cry. Last night several people came up to us because Matt was using his walker instead of walking under his own power, (very hard for me to see). It took all of my power not to cry all the way home (the three min from the church LOL and that is only because there is a park zone between the church and home.) but I digress.
I have had a LOT of cynicism about church lately. People walked by asked how I was, I don't truly beleive they really care to know exactly how I am. So I tell them Fine with tears in my eyes barely making eye contact. No one presses or asks me "really, are you sure".
This is a long time coming, Matt and I haven't been to the Sunday School class that we have gone to for about a year for a month and a half, no one, not one person has called, texted, facebooked or dropped by to see if there is anything wrong. Now granted I don't claim to be the best at checking up on people, but I also don't lead a Sunday School group or small group either.
There are friends that I keep up with, but for the most part I don't want to feel pushy or needy. I don't want to feel like I am imposing my self or "friendship" on people. Out of all of my life I can count maybe 3 people that I feel comfortable with. That is really sad out of 35 years. I look around and see all these people with so many others seeming like they truly care about others around them and I don't feel that. I don't think I have ever felt that.
I believe what Jesus was asking me to "give up" this Lent Season was animosity and cynicism reagarding the church and His people. I need to realize that people are people, not perfect. The only perfect one and the only one that I can always rely on is Jesus.
He will never leave me not even to the end of the age as Matt 28:20 states.