Connecticut 12-14-12

So Facebook and news and probably Twitter have exploded today with updates regarding the shooting in Connecticut.

This shooting is so heartbreaking.... any shooting is really.... what was this young man going through that he felt the need to open fire on elementary students and teachers..... He apparently had lost all hope in his life and no one there to help him through it.

I can not imagine being the parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, friend of the children and the adults that were shot this morning.  Such sadness that children should never have to experience....

But just remember God knew this was going to happen, this is not to take any thing away from the coverage of the tragedy..we just have to remember we are so small compared to God.....

Lots of thoughts running through my mind right now.. no answers just speculation.

Praying for the families that lost loved ones.. Christmas will forever be a hard time in their life...


I pray that the children that survived are not scared to go back to school, I pray that they can sleep well in time.. I pray the same thing for the adults.

Work

Be praying for me that I will be aware of God's voice in my life if there is a move in the future.

passion

I have been thinking lately about passion. I know lots of people that absolutley love what they do for a living. Dont get me wrong. I like my job. I get paid decent for what I do. But...... if someone asked me if I would continue doing what I currently do if the money stopped I don't know if I would.

I started thinking about what I like to do and the things I came up with I dont think I could make a career out of. So I guess My prayer to God would be what is my passion? What exactly do you have me here for?

Guess now I just need to be still and wait on the Lord. 

Psalm 27:10  "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"

I know He will answer me in His timing. The hardest thing would be staying still and waiting.

Dentist

So I went to the Dentist this morning. I have to get a root canal. I am so not happy with this. I am not sure when I will schedule the root canal probably after I have the money to pay for it. Cried on the way to the pharmacy to fill my prescription for an antibiotic to get rid of the puffy gum in my mouth. they are HUGE. I am going to have to put the filling of the capsules on something that I eat to get the medicine in my system.
Totally not the way I wanted to start my Wednesday. I guess it is good that I was 36 before my first big issue with my teeth came up.

New Testament and Dentists.

So today starts day 72 of my Bible in 90 days adventure. Only 18 more days to go and I got into the New Testament yesterday. I have to say so far the NT is a much easier read than the OT. Granted it is only Matthew, when I get to Revalation I may change my tune. When I am done with this adventure I need to figure out what to do next. I am looking on the web to see if there are any great Bible studies out there. There are I am just having a hard time figuring out where God wants me to read after this is done. Not sure. But I am sure that if I am diligent in prayer God will show me where he wants me to study in 18 days. but until then I will keep looking. Maybe something will jump out at me and I will just know that this is what I am supposed to be reading.

On a different note I have to go to the dentist on Wednesday morning. I HATE dentists. Not the people specifically , the job. They have needles and drills and iflict pain. Not exactly how I want to spend my Wednesday morning. I could probably avoid it if my tooth did not hurt and my gum wasnt puffy..but since it hurts to chew on that side of my mouth guess I have to go get it taken care of.  Guess all morning I need to make sure Phillipians 4:6-7 is running through my mind.
God does not want me to be anxious He wants me to give it all to him. Maybe I should start praying for peace and calm now. GRRRRR I hate having these feelings, but I guess it is normal. My husband will be there so that will make me feel better. He is a very calming presence.

Bible in 90 days

So I have been consistently reading through the Bible in 90 days. Some days are harder than others and I am probably missing things as I read anywhere from 8 to 15 chapters a day. After this is done I am going to have to keep making the reading of God's word a priority in my day. Maybe not as extensive as 8 to 15 chapters a day but something that will help me in my daily walk. Thank goodness for the You Version App on my Iphone and Ipad this way I can at least do some type of reading after this is over.

I realized during this challenge that I am really bad about praying. Maybe that needs to be my next mini goal to pray consistently for so many days. I know that is one of the ways God talks to us just have never been taught how to pray so I am self teaching at this point in my life both with both Bible study and prayer. There is probably a lot more that I need to learn I think God is starting on these two items first.

Although I am kind of afraid to ask God for anything because I know he will answer and I am not sure how ready I am to be radical. I know that sounds bad but I would rather be honest with my self and where I am than to make others think that I am all together and ready for everything when I am not.

Bible reading

So I have never been very good at reading the bible. Never really had anyone take the time to really "teach" or mentor me. So when one of the blogs I follow challenged her followers and friends to read the bible in 90 days I felt the leading to do it. So I just finished day 3. Learned that I don't remember as much as I thought I did. Read some stuff so far in Genisis that I don't remember before. Been in church my whole life. Think I will learn more by doing this challenges than the previous 35 years going to church every Sunday. I love the fact that the people that are doing this challenge are holding each other accountable on a facebook page created specifically for this 90 day challenge. I have been taking notes as I am reading. Little things that jump out to me. Like last nights reading I figured it that Adam was still aive when noah was born. I will probably never forget that.

Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day weekend was relaxing..  We sold our Nissan back to Car Max, where we bought it. This enabled us to go shopping over the weekend. I have to tell you we did not save any of it. but you know that is ok because this money was not in our budget. I finally got my iPad that I have wanted for over a year. Matt made me buy some things I needed because I wont do it by my self. and I got some cute clothes as well. I feel like the majority of the money we got for the car was spent on me and I actually hate that because there is always someone more deserving of the money or I could buy cute things for my friends or family. I have to tell you I do not regret buying my iPad. I LOVE IT!!!!!! I also do not regret buying the clothes or the underthings that Matt made me buy. The only thing I do regret is that one of the things (clothes) that I wanted to buy somehow did not make it to the check out. That kinda bums me out but you know it is just clothing.

we looked up a drivers education school to enroll Z in and I am glad that we have some of the money left so we wont have to use any of our budgeted money for the drivers ed. Ok so now for my freak out moment, I AM NOT READY FOR HIM TO BE DRIVING!!!!!! ok I am better. Z driving is a good thing it just means that he is growing up and pretty soon he will be out of our house. It is a really good thing that Matt and I love spending time together and that we get several days throught out the week to enjoy each others company.

Since we no longer have to put money out for the car payment, our house payment went down our gas (for the car ) will go down as well and we will start figuring out what to do with the money first. You know like should we put the money in savings first or start chunking that money on our second mortgage and that horrible thing paid off more quickly. That is something that Matt and I have to decide. but you know just having that "extra" money each month is such a relief.

Ok so saying all that I will sum up by saying that I am deeply grateful for Matt to "give up" spending a lot of money on himself in order to let me have what I want and somethings I need. He is the best husband, friend, supporter that I could hav ever asked for.  I LOVE HIM!!!!!

Work Part 3

So this morning I had an idea to take off Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. Make it an extra long weekend due to Memorial day. So when I got to work I emailed my boss and asked her if I could take off those two days. So she called me into her office and talked to me about it and said she doesn't like telling people no on their vacation but that is exactly what she told me. She told me no on those days. She said it was to late of notice and since they are days right after a holiday she is worried that my back up will not be able to get the work done..   but I hate to say it but if it had been one of the other two workers (not my back up) she would have let them.... so frustrating... so along with the no on vacation for those two days and one of my coworkers handing me a lockbox for a company and a system I haven't done in months and then not sitting with me to "train" me just pushed me over the edge and I bawled....

So  I will be taking off July30 through August 3rd... My birthday week... I will be gone for a week and I will not worry about anything here.   I will have plenty of time to train my back up for the work. And Month end processes wont start until the week after anyway...


So there bad day. take that....

Now should I plan something for that week or just be a bum and do nothing all week at home?!?! 

I guess we will see..

work part two

So at our meeting yesterday to discuss the new company coming on at work I was told that I need to train more on one system that we already use, I have used this system before just not consistently. And I will have to use the system of the company that is coming on June 1 2012, because I am every ones backup. I am the secondary back up for the two companies that are not on the system I use every day. I am the primary back up for the other lady that works in the system that I do primarily.  I guess one thing that is good about the fact that I need to train more on the two systems is that I will not be sitting at my desk with nothing to do. I will be sitting at someone elses desk taking notes. I guess it is not to bad that I am everyone's back up but I also don't want to be taken advantage of. I don't want my coworkers to think that because I am always here that they can not show up and I will take up the slack. I know I will but that is beside the point.

Guess I better go update my resume with all the other "duties" that I have done. You never know when you will need a completed Resume.  Must be prepared for God's open door no matter what that looks like.

Purpose

So for the last almost 40 days (tomorrow would be 40 days) we as a small group have been reading the Purpose Driven Life to celebrate the time between Easter and Pentecost.  I haven't been real consistent in my reading and I probably have 3 or four chapters left to finish the book but the parts I have read have kept my mind going about my purpose and listening to God's voice. Both are elusive to me at this point in my life. My purpose is just hidden and God's voice is just not familiar to me yet. Hate to admit that but it is true. This past week at work has been a tough one. For one thing I have been getting all of my work done before noon... You heard me all of my work done before noon. so after lunch I sit at my desk and think and look at items and try to learn and wait for emails to come in. Don't get me wrong I love my job.. much better than the past ones I have had but I am one of these people that if I have a job to do and I am getting paid for it then I want work to do as well. I don't know if work is just getting slower or I am getting more efficient I would love to think it is the latter, I don't want to go looking for a new job..  I am content here.. sounds off track from my original thought but maybe it is not. Maybe my slow week has been God getting my attention. I am not sure. I will probably be complaining about the fact that next week I can not see to catch my breath.

Who knows I guess I will just keep praying and I know God will direct my path individually and our path as a family. Who knows where he will lead us. Pretty soon it will be Matt and I , three years goes pretty fast, since Z is almost 16 he will be a Sophomore for next school year and then before you know it going to college. Good thing Matt and I like each other and like hanging out together if not in three years we would be in a world of trouble.

Friendship

So tonight while looking at twitter and Facebook (both of which I should stop looking at) I started to feel very depressed about my life. Don't get me wrong I love Jesus, my husband, and kids, but I don't feel like I have any really close friends. You see I see other girlfriends going to dinner, or getting pedicures or just hanging out for a weekend. My friends and I don't do that. By then I have to remember all of my friends have young children I don't have young children I have older children (the way I feel that other people see that is a whole other blog post). So hanging out seems a little bit more difficult because husbands have to agree to watch kids for the wives or babysitters have to be acquired and that puts a time frame on how long we have to hang out. Matt and I are in the empty neat phase of life and the people in that phase are at least 14 years older than me and then I just lok like a child to them . My prayer is that God will make me the type of friend others need and bring a close friend or two that will speak to me and that I can speak into their life as well. That friend may already be in my life and I hope they are cause I really hate he initial stage of friendship which is why I don't have very many friends.

Lent Season

So last night at the Ash Wednesday Service, no I am not Catholic or any other predominant religion that usually observes the Lent Season, but that does not stop our church. Our pastor has instituted a "taking back" of the season from the world, to take the focus from Easter bunny, chocolate and eggs to the real focus, Jesus' sacrifice to make each and everyone of us a child of his to spend an eternity with Him.

All that to say....the Ash Wednesday service last night was powerfull. I made it all the way through the service with out crying until.... we started singing "It Is Well"... with Matt's current setback with his disability, and the fact that we owe the state and IRS this year for taxes. To be totally honest these two things alone are not "well with my soul", I realized this last night as the first words of that song were sung. I cried, I wanted to keep crying, I still want to cry. Last night several people came up to us because Matt was using his walker instead of walking under his own power, (very hard for me to see). It took all of my power not to cry all the way home (the three min from the church LOL and that is only because there is a park zone between the church and home.) but I digress.

I have had a LOT of cynicism about church lately. People walked by asked how I was, I don't truly beleive they really care to know exactly how I am. So I tell them Fine with tears in my eyes barely making eye contact. No one presses or asks me "really, are you sure".

This is a long time coming, Matt and I haven't been to the Sunday School class that we have gone to for about a year for a month and a half, no one, not one person has called, texted, facebooked or dropped by to see if there is anything wrong. Now granted I don't claim to be the best at checking up on people, but I also don't lead a Sunday School group or small group either.

There are friends that I keep up with, but for the most part I don't want to feel pushy or needy. I don't want to feel like I am imposing my self or "friendship" on people. Out of all of my life I can count maybe 3 people that I feel comfortable with. That is really sad out of 35 years. I look around and see all these people with so many others seeming like they truly care about others around them and I don't feel that. I don't think I have ever felt that.

I believe what Jesus was asking me to "give up" this Lent Season was animosity and cynicism reagarding the church and His people. I need to realize that people are people, not perfect. The only perfect one and the only one that I can always rely on is Jesus.

He will never leave me not even to the end of the age as Matt 28:20 states.

The Blind Side

I am reading The Blind Side by Michael Lewis. This is the book that the movie is made out of.

OH MY WORD!!!!!

If we as Christians did half of the stuff that the Tuohy's did for Michael Oher there would be no need in this world. No hungry, cold or uneducated children.

Don't get me wrong I know that the majority of Christians do not have the money that the Tuohy's had/have, but we can serve with what God gives us no matter how small we may think it is.

We all have talents that we should be using for God. Trust me I am the biggest offender here.

Not even half way through this book and I am super convicted because of their kindness to a kid that had nothing.

Wednesday 1/25/12

So my last post was about money and the opportunity that Z has been offered. Well we got another offer in Matt's email regarding Duke tip. This is an organization that Z has already had dealings with. This may be the opportunity God has for Z instead of the youth medicine forum.

I was also thinking we know physicians, maybe we should ask them if Z can shadow them?


So we all went to get our eyes checked yesterday (Tuesday 1/24/12), I can not imagine how much money my parents put out having three kids in glasses. Putting out almost $500 (with insurance people) for all three of us to get exams done and new glasses seems just super high. Thank God we had insurance or it would not have happened.

Going to the Wednesday night class that Pastor Rick is putting on, hopefully I am on time for it.

With me being out yesterday I probably should not have clocked out for lunch but I needed a break from work.

Money

Money....Blah.....

Z has an incredible opporutnity to go to a youth leadership forum on medicine to let him see if the medical field is truly the field he would like to go into. Tried to register him for the week long forum in Houston the second week of July. Had to stop because we need to have $450.00 for a non refundable deposit in order to fulfill the registration.

Trying hard not to worry about the money. We really can't afford to lose $450 dollars to this if Z does not get to go. On the other hand I don't want to push this and by pass a potential closed door to this opportunity and maybe an even better opportunity that God has for Him. Unfortunately with the fact that I am not exactly aware of when God is speaking to me (working on it) I don't know if it is truly God or just me using that as an excuse to not spend the $450.00. I don't want to limit Z's opportunites but I also don't want to ignore God's leading and do what we want to or what Z wants to.

My prayer is that Matt and I will be very aware of God's leading no matter how subtle in regards to this and that we do the right thing for and by Z.

Started the Pastor's new class on Wednesday night. I have a feeling that I am going to learn a lot. Bro Rick even gave us homework. Kindof excited for this homework. want to get a single subject note book to keep notes in, especially if homework is going to be an every week thing. It would be nice to keep all the things I learn in one place. You never know maybe I would be able to pass it down to children or grandchildren someday.


Still trying to get throught Jen Hatmakers book. So far pretty good. Cant wait to get to the questions in the back of the book. Have to get my self in gear and truly start studying God's word. Maybe if I spend time in God's word I would be able to hear Him more clearly especially his still small voice, which is usually how he communicates with us.

Time will only tell.

I have decided to start going to the gym on Sat and Sun while Matt is at work. Hopefully we can start going to the gym during the week as well. I need to start moving again. Since we pay for it might as well utilize the facility.

Tuesday that feels like Monday

So I was sick on Saturday Jan 14, I was also sick on Jan 7. I hope that this isnt a pattern.
Matt and I went to Big Church on Sunday. Came home, I took Z's to his mom's house, came home. Hung out at home waiting for Matt to get home from work. Took off work Monday, just to take an extra day to feel better. It worked. After noon Matt and I got out and went to Northpark Mall to get an item for him. Low and behold the place was closed so we went home. hung out for a bit, ate "lunch" and then went for a walk to my Mom's house. She lives 2.2 miles away from us. It was so pretty yesterday. So Matt and I took a leisurly walk to and from my Mom's house. My feet hurt so bad last night. My ankles hurt this morning. So far today I am ok. No weird pain in my feet or legs. I must be getting used to exercise. This is a good thing. I need to start going back to the gym, I figured I could go on Saturday and Sunday while Matt is at work. I may even take a class, not real sure just yet. But even getting off my hiney and walking for at least an hour will help me out tremendously.

I was talking to my Mom last night at her house and told her that I had been sick the past two Saturday's and she told me that I might be starting to have gallbladder issues. I don't want to have gallbladder issues. My mom had her gall bladder out at about my age. My aunt was even younger. GREAT!!!

Can I tell you that I don't handle pain well at all. If I have to have my gall bladder out I will probably drive Matt bonkers with my whining.

Hoping that this little pattern of being sick is over. Especially since there was no fever or anything. No reason for being sick.

Going to a swim meet tonight for Z and J, it starts at 4 so Matt and I will probably miss Z's first event. Hopefully that is all we will miss.

Today at work has been rough. It seems that everything I do is wrong or just not exactly how she (my boss) would like it. Not sure why I let this get to me.

Sometimes I wish that I played the Lottery so I could win Millions and work temp jobs with no pressure, travel, be there for my kids and husband, but since I am to cheap to play the lottery guess it is working for me.

Bible study

Broke down and bought Jen Hatmakers book modern girls guide to bible study. Only on chapter three but hitting home.

New year

Second day of the new year and I really don't feel any different, maybe a little tired because I am apparently getting to old to stay up past my bedtime which as of late had been like 9 pm. I know sad huh. I have enjoyed spending time with my husband. We have had a couple of days where it is just us and it has been fun. Gotta get back on track with the plan we were using after we finished the financial peace university, paying all four walls, using cash only. Learning to be content staying home and cooking. I really don't like cooking but I like cooking more than feeling the way o have been feeling this past week. My stomach has been upset because of all the pre processed foods that I have been eating . It is amazing how soy can hurt you if you are allergic to it as I am.

No new years resolutions per se. I always break them anyway. Gonna go for little steps instead. Oh I do want to read more. Looking forward to that.

More later, not that anyone reads these. More just for me at this point.