Sunday, January 30, 2011

Hard Day

So as I sit here on Sunday Jan 30 2011 I can't help but think how frustrating it is that my husband has been down with a migraine since Saturday Jan 29th at 1:00 PM. He was able to get up for a couple of hours and then back to bed he went. So for the past two days I have had all of a couple of hours with my husband and I have not been able to really spend time with him. So frustrating. I hate that it seems like the best part of Matt's day is when I have to be at work. I am just not sure what I think of that. No I do know what I think of that. I hate it. I am sorry to be so blunt but that is the only thing I can say about it. People who do not have to deal with either migraines or a spouse with disability truly do not have any idea what we are going through at this moment. The only thing I can do is pray that God gives him a release from this pain. Or heals him completely.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


So today I had a minor meltdown on the way home from work. I am stil very excited about my job. But today I was asked to do something that I was unsure of how to do. Normally this would not bother me but for some reason today it did and sent me into a crying fit. Thankfully I was not on the highway and I was talking to Matt so he calmed me down a bit. having to fight the little voice in my head telling me that this was just a test and that I failed. Matt told me I did not I am trying to believe it, but my brain is not letting my heart win. I know tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I will be more rested and not as tired as I was today. It is amazing how much your body needs sleep.

so in short BLAH BLAH BLAH. hard day. hopefully night goes better, praying the day tomorrow is better still.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Letting Go

So I know I had let the daughter go already but seeing her off to basic training today was harder than I thought it would be. I guess it is knowing that she wont be just minutes or even a little farther away, she will be in a different state (NC I think). I don't think her husband is dealing well with it at all. I will be continually praying for her as I know others will be as well. Just really hard to really let your child go. I just pray that in our letters to her I can be encouraging and uplifting. Giving her scripture to hold to. I just pray that I can be consistent to give her any wise words from God. Not me..... So hard to see her go. Will be even more sweet when she comes home.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


So after reading things on facebook from women I know, in Sunday School, and seeing that they are getting to gether for a book club, or small group, or anything and no one even mentions me. I am never thought of. I think that if I never went back to that Sunday School class neither Matt or I would ever be missed. I hate to be a downer and sound as woe is me, no body likes me everybody hates me kind of attitude. I feel like I have tried to connect with some of the other women but maybe I have not done enough. I don't understand why I have such a hard time connecting with new people. Makes me feel like I am not supposed to be where I am. So many doors being closed and no new ones being opened. Would like to have an audible voice sometime to lead me in the way I am supposed to go.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Work Week

So this week at work has been productive, surprisingly. It was the first full week after two weeks of partial work weeks. Got all of my accounts touched, called on, payments applied, emails sent etc. It felt good to get all of my accounts worked. Some I am still waiting for payments on and when those get to me my accounts will look super.

so enough about boring work. The other day I was having a hard time. I had texted Matt with something horribly depressing and texted a friend and asked her to pray. Then I received a tweet from Air 1, it was 1 Thess 5:17 Which states "pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstancs; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you"

Needless to say God sent me that just when I needed it and I could not have been more grateful.

(told ya I would be more positive in my next post :-) )

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Missing people

Sitting here looking at facebook and realizing how much I miss people in my life. Those people that I miss I can not even talk to. I miss my grandma, she would not come back for anything. She is with Jesus and I would not ask her to come back. I am just sorry that I did not ask her questions when she was alive. Breaks my heart everyday.

I miss my step daughter. I can't tell her cause she would not believe me anyway. She had said on facebook once that I was the worst thing that happened to the family in the last six years. She will not talk to her dad or I. We don't know anything that is going on with her life. She wanted us to leave her alone and let her make her own decisions, sowe did and she hates us I just don't understand it.

I am trying to believe all the times that she said that she loved me she really meant it.

I love both of my kids (stepkids). Whether they believe it or not. Everything I have done since Matt and I got married was try to do the best for Matt and A and Z. Sometimes I can not do anything right where the kids are concerned.

Just need some peace regarding A and knowing that the decision that was made to let her live her own life and the fact that she has totally left us in her past and it does not even seem to bother her.

Oh well. She is in God's hands. The best place for her to be is in God's hands. I pray for her constantly. I pray that God will keep her safe and draw her to him. I also pray fo her husband that he would find Jesus as well and be the leader that Jesus can turn him into where his kids and his wife is concerned.

All of my posts seem to be depressing Not sure why. I will try to be more positive in the next post that I do.

In Christ.