Learning

I have never thought that anyone would want to hear anything about my life or my day or about me. It may be my low self esteem. I know that I am important at least I tell myself that and try to believe it.

So for me to even want to blog and share even the slightest bit of my day and think people would find it interesting enough to read seems strange to me.

But if It helps me then I guess it can't be to bad to do a blog post a day recapping what happened.

Today, Friday Dec 19, 2014, was a LONG  day at work. Some of my coworkers are exhausting.

One coworker is new so I am trying to be patient with her lack of knowledge about the computer, sending emails, saving files (pdf etc) and doing anything in Excell.

Another coworker pretty much plays on the internet or her phone all day long and then complains around 4 that she is so far behind and has so much to do and then stays an extra half hour at the end of the day, when she had plenty of time during the day to finish her work.

I finished my work before 1:00 today. I took a full hour lunch, and left on time from work.

The fourth co worker works just as hard as I do. Gets all of her work done. Understands her job pitches in when needed and is just a great person.

we are at the new building and I am no longer sitting in the corner in front of a window. There are people all around me now. People talking to each other and not to me. I get IM's every once in a while. but that is pretty much it.

I was asked today by the new coworker why I was still at the company because of my degree, knowledge and work ethic. actually she asked all three of us.

the playing coworker puts on a good show around people saying what she thinks she wants people to hear but then we feel that she would go and tell others what was discussed. I try not to talk around that co worker especially things I don't want others to know.

Searching

I have just spend the last hour looking and and reading blogs by people. The people that wrote the blogs are very open about their life, everything about their life and I am not sure if I could ever be that open with total strangers.
I wonder if God is calling me to be more open, honest, vulnerable. I am not sure if I can.

I feel so lost sometimes. Work, church, friends. The only thing that I am sure about is that Jesus loves me, that he has the best in store for me and my relationship with the husband.

There are times that I feel that it is only my husband and I like he is my only friend. I don't make friends easily. I can count on one hand the people that I feel that I can be truly honest with. My husband being one of them.


It seems like everyone in my family is searching at the moment.
I mean the daughter is living for herself and I can only assume that she is searching for her own way. I just pray that God finds her and she listens and runs back to him.

The son is constantly searching for his own way, I just pray that he leans on God and just accepts that we are not meant to know all the answers to everything. We sometimes just need to lean on our faith and go on about our day.

Scentsy

So I am not sure if anyone reads this blog or not but I guess that does not matter.

I have decided to sell Scentsy again.

I love this product.

My husband can smell every smell and not get a migraine. My mom can smell every smell and not aggravate her asthma.

I love how the wax does not get hot enough to burn your fingers. I love how it is as safe for your house as it is for your kids.

I love how they have stuffed animals for kiddos that you can put scent paks in.

I love how the warmers are for everyone. Everyone can find something that they like or love.

I do not love though how I cannot seem to get anyone to purchase from me.

I have to get over the fact that it is me that they I guess feel turned off from. Maybe I am just approaching the wrong people?

I am also not bold. I am not a sales person even if I love the product. I do not like to feel pushy. If someone says no then the answer is no. Not the best tactic to take for a sales position.

I know that I plan on doing fundraisers for people, my sons DeMolay group fist off, but I will be available for the Rainbow/Job's Daughter's/Eastern Star as well as Masons or other businesses.

I can also do office parties, home parties, and internet parties.

I just know that if my business is going to grow I have to be more bold.

That is something that I know has to come from God. Because I am NOT bold.

I have also felt that I should use at least a portion of my earnings from the sales of product (except from fundraisers all of my proceeds from fundraisers go to the person or organization the fundraiser is for). I feel like the funds that I get could be used for Ministry. There are times when our church needs things for the adoption ministry. I feel a tug to give and to help but then remember that if I use the money for that then I will not have the money for something else. Sometimes it is for a bill but other times it is just because I like having the money in our bank account. I should always follow my heart and give when I feel like I should.

Doing that would make me bold.

Just in case anyone is reading this blog and wants some Scentsy (which is a wickless candle system that melts wax in super cute warmers and with a low watt lighbutlb) You can go to www.angelface.scentsy.us.

I appreciate it and the people you in turn help appreciate it.

Mom's Night Out

Me and two friends went to go see Mom's Night Out. It was a good movie. Very true words were spoken in the movie.

Mother hood is a hard job, but you doing a good job.

You need to be who God made you to be, God will do the rest.

Those were the two lines that stuck out to me. As Mom's (either bio, adoptive or step) we need to tell the other mothers out there that we know frequently. We need to be other mom's biggest cheerleaders. Some Mom's don't have husbands to be their cheer leaders.

Mom's we need to not be so hard on our selves and we need to not be so hard on others. When mom's are judgmental regarding other mom's and their lives we slowly kill mom's from exactly what God created them to be.

We as women can be very judgmental towards other people, not just other women. I know that I have had a hard time not being judgmental of mom's and how they handle their kids. I also don't know the back story of how the children have acted not just that day but maybe the week leading up to the moment that I see. We also don't know what the mom is going through.

All I am saying is lets be just a little kinder to mom's you see that may have just snapped at their child, ask them if you can help in anyway.

Most people are not used to being asked if they need help so don't be surprised if the response is a little bit of disbelief.

Sad that we would be suspicious of help but we are. Maybe we can change that.

Stay at home wife and mom.

I have been on vacation this past week and as my vacation comes to a close I have come to a realization. I think if I had the opportunity to become a stay at home mom and wife I would take it. I think I would be able to handle it. I could volunteer places, do crafts when I felt like it, have finer ready most days when Matt got home. 

Unfortunately with Matt being disabled we can not afford off me to stay home. So until God tells me that this is the direction that we need to go I will continue working. 

Daughter

So our son got a message today from our daughter. and apparently she thinks that we keep choosing her estranged husband over her. She has basically disowned her brother, father and I. She only talks to her Mother and that side of the family.  We aren't choosing either one of them.

Not many people know what is going on with the Daughter. After Easter 2013 she left her husband. She told us that he was abusive (verbally). We do not know anything about this because we allowed her to live her life with her husband. We did not interfere. We only hung out with them like 3 times the entire 2 years or so that they were married.

She was extremely controlling and awful to her brother when they were little. He is 5 and a half years younger than her. She somehow got it in her brain that she was supposed to take care of him and it was not her job. That growing up experience has made a horrible awful feeling of animosity from the son towards her. I was not around for that time frame so I can not speak to one way or another. Either way lots of healing needs to be done and that can only be done with God.

When she left her husband she told us that she left him because of the abuse (her words). We later found out that she left him for another man. She left her husbands home and instantly went to the other males home. This other man has been nothing but disrespectful to us three. She does not get when we tell her that we don't agree with the lifestyle she has chosen. I wonder if we would feel the same way if she was single and guy jumped the way she has. What if she had decided to be gay. I guess we will never know the issue we had with the relationship is the fact that she is still, yes still, married. I think her estranged husband has written up a divorce "settlement" (not sure if that is the right word) and I guess she may want to sign it but not sure. The only thing that is keeping her  from signing it is her and her boyfriend.

I am just at a loss. This makes me feel like an absolute failure as a mom, even though I am only a step mom to her. I feel like I have not had any impact on her life and since her father and I have taken this stand and I have not spoken to her in a year. Her dad got a message at Christmas I did not.

I do have a hope of redemption of sorts with the son. He seems to be on the right track with the decisions that he is constantly making.

So today she "attacked" my son and the organization that he is involved in and she attacked the Masons. I know that my son is not a mason but my father is and my grandfather was. That post was what prompted my son to respond to her. She manipulated him to get him to talk to her. That is exactly how she does things. If others opinions or convictions do not coincide with hers she will manipulate in order to get the reaction she wants or any reaction at all.

I know that her father and I's reaction to the life she chooses to live is the same thing but we have told her repeatedly that we would be more than willing to spend time with her alone. We  were not ready to spend time with her and the boyfriend especially since she is still married. She can not understand why. She said she would not come see us unless we saw her new boyfriend too. so she pushed her self away. She told us that she would not be alone with us so we could force our opinions on her and make her think the way that we do. What she does not understand is that we have not had that type of control over her like that since she was 14. We did however at that time have the law on our hands and told her that she had to abide by our rules. Once she turned 18 she could do what she wanted and have to answer for herself.

Just rambling now.

anyway be praying for our family. Daughter , son, mom and dad. (even though she does not even see me as a mom or a step mom anymore).

12 years a slave

So I finished listening to 12 Years a Slave today.

First off the early 1800's  really tick me off. I hate the fact that we went through a time of slavery. I hate the white people thought that other people (no matter what their color) were ok to be bought and sold and treated as harshly as the slaves were treated.

I have not seen the movie and I probably will never see the movie.

The book made me so angry I don't think I could see it

So a few thoughts about the book.

The man who wrote it was born and raised a free man in New York. When he was kidnapped (a word he used) he had a wife and three kids. His wife was also born and raised free.

The two men that kidnapped him and sold him into slavery were never prosecuted. Selling a freeman/freewoman into slavery was punishable by jail time (long jail time).


The racial issues that stemmed from slavery are stupid. If all of the people that claim to be Christians really went by the teachings of Jesus there would be no racism, there would have been no slavery. There would be no foster care system, the widows and orphans would be taken care of.

There are some books that just get under my skin, and this was one of them. I am glad that this gentleman was able to be freed once again.

You know something else that bothers me. There were some slave owners that would tell people that black people are just animals but then they would take advantage of their position as their "master" and owner to have sex with their slave women/girls. If they truly saw them as animals wouldn't the thought of having sex with them thoroughly disgusted them?

GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRR

So sitting here after dinner, which I did not have to fix and that was nice, after a very long day I have to wonder what God is having me learn at my current job and at thus moment I am not real sure what it is I need to learn. Maybe more patience ??.??

I am such a slow learner though. 

On Sunday I saw a lady that was going through a very tough time. I wish I was better at names God knows who she is. I just pray Gods peace and strength through this time for her and her family in what ever situation she is going through. 

Technology

So i sit here bored with technology. I am writing this on my iPad at the moment but right before this I did not want to do anything available to me on my iPad. Not even read. Don't know if anyone else feels like this bit tho was my thought for the night. 

Food

Oh my word. Feeding a 17 year old athlete is CRAZY.

He is ALWAYS hungry... I don't mean once in a while and for a small snack. I mean starving for a full meal the bigger the better.

He is going to bankrupt us and Matt and I make to much money to get help with food stamps.   Not that food stamps would be a huge help but it would be a help. But that is ok. God has provided before and He will continue to provide.

He is really getting into DeMolay. He is loving it and he told us that he wanted to become a Mason in time. I guess that was the logical next step to DeMolay.

Matt and I went through D.A.D training (DeMolay Adviser Development). So now we can be official parent advisers for the Siloam Chapter. Going to be busy but worth it to be supportive of what Z is interested and excelling in.

I am going to have to figure out what my role as an adult in the Masonic Fraternity (and its subsidiaries i.e DeMolay).

As Parent Advisers we are there to just be adults, quiet when we need to be giving advice when we need to but the organization is youth led. We are not to take a leadership role but a support role when we are needed.

Lots of travel involved as well. It will give us time to be together. Maybe we can listen to books on CD, or learn something together on the car rides. But I guess we will see.

Feelings

OH MY WORD. Emotions and feelings are brutal. Sometimes I think being a man and not having to go through all of the ups and downs of emotions and hormones on what seems to be a daily basis.

I think I have really pulled my self  back to far from my co-workers.

I have been trying to hard to not be loud and I have alienated myself even further than I had before the incident with Melanie. She is probably a very nice person but she is very demonstrative and it seems like people will bend over backwards to be her friend just to keep her quiet.

just frustrating. so I guess tomorrow at work I slowly start getting back into the good graces of my coworkers.

I should not have to tiptoe around my office because of one person and a misunderstanding.

Just ridiculous....

December 2013 and January 2014

Not all of the month just the last two weeks of December and so far in January.

So Christmas time is always rough in our house. Both Husband and I thing Christmas has become so commercial that people (kids and adults) don't celebrate the real reason for this season. So really no presents in December to speak of. We like to buy each other stuff through out the year for just because presents rather than people who run marketing firms telling us we have to buy for each other.

So on December 23 2013 I was heading home at my normal time from work. We had been allowed to leave early but I wanted to get somethings done since we were off on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (paid) (thank you PLS and PFJ), so I am driving home and it is about 5:30 and I am heading West on Reno Ave, I had just passed the Meridian intersection. Then it happened. Traffic started to stop. I stopped, the car behind me had to veer onto the shoulder and the guy behind him, hit us both. The guy in the truck spun the little silver car that was behind me into the culvert, then he plowed into me. He had to have been going 40.

Our van was totaled. I took pictures of it. I am still jumpy when I drive afraid I will get hit again. Husband hates it that I am so jumpy.

So Thankfully my parents live 2 miles from us. Husband called my mom, they came to get me.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day my parents let us use their car while we wait for our rental, which we got on December 26 (and our insurance paid for it for 30 days).

So from the time that the van was hit to the time we got our new (to us) van was three weeks.

That is AMAZING in insurance world.

The van that we got is older than the van that was totaled but we love it. It is cheaper than the van that was totaled and we have GPS, you know for all the trips we take. LOL.

We have to give the rental back on or before Friday the 24 of January 2014. I will be glad to see it go honestly even though it is an SUV it is just not our van.

So when the insurance settled with us we got more money than the loan. Thank Jesus.

This gave us a little extra "play" money, some went into savings and some went into getting me a sewing machine. I am beyond excited about the sewing machine. The one that I got is computerized, can do monogramming and I am so excited to really put it to use. Husband and my mom and I went shopping and got the sewing machine, patterns, fabric (and all the other extra stuff you need to sew). I have already sewed a bag and am in the process of sewing a skirt (the first of many).

So even though getting hit the day before Christmas Eve was a bummer, God made it a blessing in the form of a cheaper van (cheaper payment and interest rate), a new sewing machine, some in savings, and some other little extras that we were finally able to purchase.

All in All not such a bad start to the year,

Now if I could get me straight that would be FANTASTIC.

Invisible

So lately (mostly at work) I have been feeling very invisible.

I don't expect to have a BFF at work but I would like some common courtesy. You know the occasional hi, the random conversation, maybe the invite out to lunch with the group, a smile back when I smile at you ... Common Courtesy.

But apparently that is asking to much.

This past week or two at work I have felt like everything I have done is wrong. I have felt that the people I work with (boss included) only wanted to talk to me when they needed something fixed, researched or I needed to help them with something. Any other time it is Tammy.... Tammy who.... I don't know a Tammy.

So I posted this "it is like I am invisible" on facebook one day when EVERYONE in the office went out to lunch and NO ONE invited me. Again, not looking for a BFF, just a little courtesy.

So now at work I go in. I put my headphones in, listen to music and do my work. I don't talk to anyone, cause they don't talk to me I do my work, take my lunch, interact with those who actually interact with me first, leave for the day and come home to my husband and son who love me.

I keep hoping that God will just neon sign his will for me and it will be super clear. None of this guessing stuff, or the feeling of "am I doing this because I had a bad day or is this a door that God has opened" feeling.

It may just be me but I guess I will know one day. Today is just not that day.

Church

So lately I have been very defeated about church. Now I know we are not supposed to go to church to make friends, but to learn about god and worship in a group setting.

So for December 2013 Matt and I were not able to go to church for one reason or another. We had started a new Sunday school class a couple months before so we we're fairly new.  The entire month of December no one .  I mean no one from the class called or sent an email ( yes the class had both our numbers and email addresses) we were able to go back to church this Sunday and it was ok I guess.

On Christmas Eve whew met to our Christmas Eve service. The day before (the 23rd) I was in an accident that totaled our van. Our only working car. Needless to say Christmas sucked. Thankfully we were able to use my parents car for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We got a rental car on Thursday morning. So back to Christmas Eve. Matt and I got to church just in time for the service to start   I was a little stiff from the wreck so Matt was trying to not have me walk all around the sanctuary looking for a seat. We walked past so many people that we knew that just looked at us. No one offered to let us sit with them. No one scooted over to offer us a seat. Looking back kinda how Mary and Joseph were treated he night Jesus was born. That night both Matt and I felt that we were totally not welcome at our home church.

So that Led me to another realization should you continue going to a church where you don't feel welcome just so you don't forsake the gathering. I don't know. We haven't stopped going to church there not yet at least. We are waiting for God to tell us or lead us where we need to go.