Hard Day

So as I sit here on Sunday Jan 30 2011 I can't help but think how frustrating it is that my husband has been down with a migraine since Saturday Jan 29th at 1:00 PM. He was able to get up for a couple of hours and then back to bed he went. So for the past two days I have had all of a couple of hours with my husband and I have not been able to really spend time with him. So frustrating. I hate that it seems like the best part of Matt's day is when I have to be at work. I am just not sure what I think of that. No I do know what I think of that. I hate it. I am sorry to be so blunt but that is the only thing I can say about it. People who do not have to deal with either migraines or a spouse with disability truly do not have any idea what we are going through at this moment. The only thing I can do is pray that God gives him a release from this pain. Or heals him completely.

meltdown

So today I had a minor meltdown on the way home from work. I am stil very excited about my job. But today I was asked to do something that I was unsure of how to do. Normally this would not bother me but for some reason today it did and sent me into a crying fit. Thankfully I was not on the highway and I was talking to Matt so he calmed me down a bit. having to fight the little voice in my head telling me that this was just a test and that I failed. Matt told me I did not I am trying to believe it, but my brain is not letting my heart win. I know tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I will be more rested and not as tired as I was today. It is amazing how much your body needs sleep.

so in short BLAH BLAH BLAH. hard day. hopefully night goes better, praying the day tomorrow is better still.

Letting Go

So I know I had let the daughter go already but seeing her off to basic training today was harder than I thought it would be. I guess it is knowing that she wont be just minutes or even a little farther away, she will be in a different state (NC I think). I don't think her husband is dealing well with it at all. I will be continually praying for her as I know others will be as well. Just really hard to really let your child go. I just pray that in our letters to her I can be encouraging and uplifting. Giving her scripture to hold to. I just pray that I can be consistent to give her any wise words from God. Not me..... So hard to see her go. Will be even more sweet when she comes home.

Questions

So after reading things on facebook from women I know, in Sunday School, and seeing that they are getting to gether for a book club, or small group, or anything and no one even mentions me. I am never thought of. I think that if I never went back to that Sunday School class neither Matt or I would ever be missed. I hate to be a downer and sound as woe is me, no body likes me everybody hates me kind of attitude. I feel like I have tried to connect with some of the other women but maybe I have not done enough. I don't understand why I have such a hard time connecting with new people. Makes me feel like I am not supposed to be where I am. So many doors being closed and no new ones being opened. Would like to have an audible voice sometime to lead me in the way I am supposed to go.

Work Week

So this week at work has been productive, surprisingly. It was the first full week after two weeks of partial work weeks. Got all of my accounts touched, called on, payments applied, emails sent etc. It felt good to get all of my accounts worked. Some I am still waiting for payments on and when those get to me my accounts will look super.

so enough about boring work. The other day I was having a hard time. I had texted Matt with something horribly depressing and texted a friend and asked her to pray. Then I received a tweet from Air 1, it was 1 Thess 5:17 Which states "pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstancs; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you"

Needless to say God sent me that just when I needed it and I could not have been more grateful.

(told ya I would be more positive in my next post :-) )

Missing people

Sitting here looking at facebook and realizing how much I miss people in my life. Those people that I miss I can not even talk to. I miss my grandma, she would not come back for anything. She is with Jesus and I would not ask her to come back. I am just sorry that I did not ask her questions when she was alive. Breaks my heart everyday.

I miss my step daughter. I can't tell her cause she would not believe me anyway. She had said on facebook once that I was the worst thing that happened to the family in the last six years. She will not talk to her dad or I. We don't know anything that is going on with her life. She wanted us to leave her alone and let her make her own decisions, sowe did and she hates us I just don't understand it.

I am trying to believe all the times that she said that she loved me she really meant it.

I love both of my kids (stepkids). Whether they believe it or not. Everything I have done since Matt and I got married was try to do the best for Matt and A and Z. Sometimes I can not do anything right where the kids are concerned.

Just need some peace regarding A and knowing that the decision that was made to let her live her own life and the fact that she has totally left us in her past and it does not even seem to bother her.

Oh well. She is in God's hands. The best place for her to be is in God's hands. I pray for her constantly. I pray that God will keep her safe and draw her to him. I also pray fo her husband that he would find Jesus as well and be the leader that Jesus can turn him into where his kids and his wife is concerned.

All of my posts seem to be depressing Not sure why. I will try to be more positive in the next post that I do.

In Christ.

July 4th Weekend

Hello,

July 4th weekend was awesome. On our way to KC MO we stopped at Cassoday, KS which had a sign stating that they were the prairie chicken capital of the world. Nothing was open, we got a picture of the sign and moved on to Emporia and found a cafe that was open so we could get breakfast. We had been driving since 3:30 that morning. so by 8 we were tired of being in the car and ready to get out and eat. We got done eating and headed to KC MO.

Not only did we see fireworks (two nights) we had a relaxing weekend. We went to KC MO, got there Saturday afternoon spent the afternoon in the pool and then had dinner at the Skies restaurant, it is an amazing revolving restaurant at the top of the Hyatt in KC MO. While we were finishing our dinner we got to see fireworks all around the downtown area for miles around the city. It was amazing. It was a great birthday celebration for Matt's 40th, I felt bad that I did not do anything for him with friends and family, but lately friends and family are few and far between.

We loved downtown KC MO, there were lofts everywhere for sale. If there was a position open at the KC MO Hyat we would move and live in the heart of downtown.

Matt and I got tattoo's on Monday July 5 2010. I got a cross on my wrist and Matt got Song of Solomon 6:3a on his fore arm (both on the left arm). He got "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" in Hebrew permanetly tattoo'd on him. He is an amazing man. I love him with all my heart and more than I did when we married Oct 9 2004.

BTW, tattoo's HURT really bad...... I will not be getting another one. I barely made it through the cross. But there are no regrets. The tattoo is a physical reminder to me that Matt and I are bonded together by God and my faith in the trinity.

It is also something that Matt and I experienced together. It took a lot of thinking and talking my self into getting my self permanently marked. I am glad that I chose something that I believe in.

On Sunday morning Matt and I went to the City Market, it is a farmers market and they had other shops to buy things, restaurants and the like. It was fun. When we got back to the hotel we had a surprise in our room. Hyatt in KC MO is one of the hotels that I do the receivables for, The accounting staff had signed a card and sent a bottle of wine and some other food stuffs for Matt and I to enjoy, It was amazing. They are the best accounting staff ever.

On Sunday night we went to a movie not far from our hotel. It was great, we saw grownups and it was a good movie. We got to see fireworks from our hotel window, several miles away all around the downtown area.

Monday morning we woke up went downtown area to find a place to eat breakfast and start our day. EVERYTHING was closed except for Denny's, so we ate at Denny's then went back to the downtown area and waited for the tattoo parlor to open. Got back to the hotel around 4 that afternoon and just relaxed the rest of the day.

Tuesday morning we woke up, packed got everything ready to leave and went down to meet the accounting staff. I had talked to them lots now I had a face to put with a voice.

We visited for a bit, Matt and I went back upstairs to our room did one last sweep to make sure that we had everything and then headed on our way home.

On our way home we stopped at a winery, it was kinda small but really cool. Bought a wine glass from that stop to commemorate it. We stopped and filled up and headed home.

We stopped right after the OK border to get out of the car, have a picnic and rest outside of the car for just a bit. The breeze from the storm that was building was awesome. It was stuffy all weekend long due to the rain.

We got done with the picnic and headed home. We got back to our house around 8 that evening and pretty much went to bed.

Amazing relaxing weekend with the Man God brought to me and I would do it again (except for the tattoo, it really hurt)